It turns out, my 17-yo nephew is going to Manali on an all-boys trip with his friends. And she is scared. Her “protection” guards are up.
He’s too young.
He won’t be safe.
Is this the age to go to Manali?
I am glad she vented this out to me, instead of my nephew himself. Not that I love being the pillow of someone else’s vents, however, I simply asked her a question:
So what?
“So what if he is going on an all-boys trip? Do you not trust your love for him enough that if things go wrong, he should trust you to come to you and tell everything? And if you don’t, we have something else to fix. He just gave his board exams. His parents never took him on a vacation as a kid. So what if he wants to go on a trip? That’s okay.”
She presented one more qualm, but before giving her the vent to vent it all out, I gave her a suggestion:
What if you call Laddoo (my nephew) and ask him to enjoy his trip? No educating (okay, other than one sentence of staying safe—he would remember it), make it all about you being happy for him.
She is actually going to do it!
Whether she does it or not, is immaterial to me. But it would make a lot of difference for Laddoo. To have an elder who wants you to enjoy your fun. At least I texted Laddoo and told him exactly what I asked my Mom to tell him.
It turns out, before we go on to warn kids, it is useful that we start with love. Because no matter how much we go on to protect them, they will go on to make their mistakes. When they invariably do, they need our emotional support more than educational sting of “I told you so.”
We all have made mistakes despite being told “I told you so”. It is human nature to do things others have debarred us from doing, especially if the person debarring us is a constant nagger.
Here’s the alternative.
Even when they make a mistake, love them like you loved them on the day they were born.
You have no idea what it would do to their self-esteem.
