Exhaustion

Exhaustion, even physical, is mental exhaustion.

Btw, today my therapist said something quite cool: Even though you did something that was not legit, your pain, your emotions, what you went through was legit.

You did what you knew best. Now you know better, so now you are doing better. But then that is what you knew the best. And you did whatever you could.

Then what’s the point of blaming yourself for something that you did with lack of awareness years ago?

That was helpful. And exhausting as well maybe. But sort of loving our sessions 🙂

Dear Maa Papa

Dear Maa Papa,

I understand I sometimes come across as a weird human being. Someone who does not think like you, lives like you or even loves like you.

But you know what, nevertheless, I do love you.

Because that is what you both have taught me 🙂

Maa Papa, sometimes there are disagreements between us. And that sometimes turns to always.
You want me to be successful. But want that to happen under your eyes.
How will I ever learn to walk if you never allow me to get off your lap?
How will I ever learn to face the world if you keep telling me to run away from the world?
How will I ever create my own identity if according to you my identity could be best created at home while Papa may still go to the shop daily and do his Internet-based business and save thousands on rent and administration expenses?

Maybe you think my need for wings is too much. But you know what, it is just a basic necessity. Because when you attempt to chip off my wings, you don’t draw me closer to you . You rather push me further away.

When you both talk with each other, wondering what is the best way to deal with me, let me help you out:

  • Accept me for who I am.
  • I won’t betray your trust ever. Yes, I have been in two bad relationships, but as I reflect, I was just searching for love outside because I didn’t get acceptance inside.
  • I really do not need the comforts of home. I want to figure out life, and come back to you when I am in pain. Right now, whenever I am in pain, I go to deepest of silences and figure out things eventually. You may believe I am angry, but in reality, I am just coping up with your absence despite your presence.
  • Trust me, when you say that it’s okay if I don’t make much money – I do not want to live on your money. I want to pay my rent, all my bills and learn how life functions. If comfort was all that is, why don’t we bring in all sisters and brothers in law to live with us? Because they are “settled”? Is settling down mean having your name on a marriage certificate? How about thinking of bringing back an “already settled” daughter because she is not married?

Like you say, it is difficult to talk to me. That is the reason Maa Papa, I have stopped expressing myself altogether.

Maybe this makes you believe that I hate you. However, the reality is that I ache so much for your love and acceptance that I have drawn myself inwards. That’s it! How will I not love you? I do! I love you both so dearly that I do not want to bring any proofs to express it.

But as I know I am capable of taking care of myself physically, I do expect you to accept me that way. That would make me want to come home more often. Right now, even when I want to, I just don’t – because you would feel I am not brave. I am brave, however, I miss home even at home.

Hope to be home some day 🙂

PS: I love you to infinity, Maa Papa :)))

I hear you, sista <3

I had watched Big Boss Season 1.

After that, my intellect saved me forever.

However recently, I came across a Big Boss clip on Instagram, that made me think deeply.

Here’s how it goes:
The contestants are being allowed to meet their family. When Jasmin’s parents come, they force her to play her own game alone, and not with Aly. Aly was her friend and they both fell in love during the show. They show a slightly negative vibe towards her friend.

Maybe her parents are against her marriage with him, we don’t know.

But the way they told this to her made me think of two things:

  1. They could have refused for marriage when she came out, at least she would have her parents (which she does not have in Big Boss house) if not Aly with her. Har cheez ka sahi samay hota hai.
  2. For playing her game alone, this is how most parents tell their kids to do all their lives: Not to make friends. They will play on you. But you know what, trust others to the extent you cannot afford to lose. If you don’t invest, you won’t grow. If you invest too much to lose yourself, you will of course lose yourself. But advising a locked daughter to play alone and not “trust strangers” where anyway there are a lot of mental health issues going on, shows how much as a society we lack trust.

I feel for you sista.

This too, shall pass.

Honestly, I do not give any damn about her relationship with Aly because we don’t know what would happen when they both go out. But not making friends and playing alone is not how the game of life is played.

If you don’t get out of yourself, you’ve lost already.

To make the bygone, happier

Almost everyone of us was shocked on the sudden demise of Sushant Singh Rajput.

People blamed nepotism, crushing of his dreams and existence of politics for that.

The time kept on going. And then came the day for his last movie being premiered on air. We were ready with tissue papers, popcorns, and tonnes of empathy for him.

We all cried with him.

Now what’s next? In a few days or weeks, our life will start going as it was. In fact, it already has.

Here’s the biggest truth: Sushant won’t be happy on you just watching his last movie.

If we cried and loved him and missed him, it won’t make him happy.

Rather if we just stopped and did something like:

  • texting a loved one for no reason
  • calling someone whom we haven’t spoken to, in a long time
  • let our loved ones know we love them

Sushant would be much much happier, wherever he is, whatever he is doing.

You are terrified at his death. The entire nation is. However, none of us, not a single one of us know what others are going through – not even our family and friends.

If we could show them that we are there for them, no matter what, they’ll feel connected to a part of them that most of us have lost.

‘And perhaps, they come to life again! Maybe Sushant will also!

Patience

Today an Amazon packet was to be delivered. The boy reached on the ground floor, and called.

Since I didn’t receive, I immediately called back, however was unreachable.

So I went to the balcony of our first floor home, and saw him.

He asked for my name first. I responded. Then he asked for his number that flashed on to my screen. Then he even asked for my number that was there on the package. For no reasons, no one has ever done that.

A part of me wanted to get angry at him. However, I told myself: “He must also be in pain for going out and meeting so many people in these conditions. More so, maybe he had lost a valuable packet in the past for not doing due diligence.”

This suddenly stopped me from getting angry. And gave me perspective.

We choose our emotions. And then, those emotions choose us.