- You wait till reaching the luggage belt, to turn on your phone from airplane mode.
- You have no interest in stalking your ex. (or y or zee).
- You let go of people whom you thought were friends, when they proved you wrong.
- You go out and do your own thing, not to put anyone down – because who you would be if you were not you?
- You care. I mean really care.
- The ability to not press Alt + Tab while working.
- The ability to focus only on the Google Doc you’re working on, and not reach out to your phone.
- The ability to forgive your “friends” who never asked for an apology.
- The ability to grow your people yet be inspiring instead of dominating.
- The ability to sit for 90 minutes straight and only work.
I want to write about pain.
I want to write about pain I felt at a recent trip.
I want to write about the pain only my Mom saw in the photos, while everyone was saying I was having fun!
I want to write about the pain of self-betrayal when you don’t stay true to yourself.
I want to write about the loneliness of being abandoned by so-called friends.
I want to write about how is it even possible for people to wear different masks – of goodness on one side and of I don’t care on the other side.
I want to write about the pain I feel when I am sidelined, because I am not cool.
I want to write about the pain when people reach out to me only because I have access to certain data and information while others don’t.
I want to write about the pain I felt when you thought that just because I am strong, you can walk over me at any time.
I want to write about the pain that how I was so blinded to the truth that lay right in front of me, just because I craved validation.
I want to write about the pain I perhaps brought to other colleagues by running after useless validation.
I want to write about the pain of how I let my “friends” come to my home and take my book, do random stuff, talk loudly, etc., while I was not even allowed a place on their bed when I went to their home. How can I do such random stuff just for validation?
I want to write about the pain of how it is eating me up because from now on, I will show the strong non-vulnerable version of me.
I want to write about the pain of how I pick “familiar” unavailable people – either as ex-es or as friends. Btw, this one is liberating, because that is how I can change my patterns.
I want to write about the pain of writing about pain, just because I did not listen to my intuition.
It turns out, the intuition is always whispering to us to change our patterns. It is up to us to be silent enough to listen, so that we don’t carried away by the noise.
We all have variety of friends.
However, everyone has these common characteristics:
- They make you feel valued
- You don’t have to go beg for attention
- They care about loving you as much as they care about loving themselves, and vice versa
- You have clear communications, even fights
- You feel alive in their company, not left alone.
We both used to be friends once, to the extent that we used to ask each other “kya delete kiya”?
Things change, we change.
Even if we don’t want, we move on.
I wish I could give you a happy ending, but I myself don’t have any. Sorry 🙁
- The vibes with which your food is cooked (Always radiating purity and power to food for 30 secs works like a charm).
- The people you follow on social media (Unfollow without notifying people is the best thing that could have happened.)
- The WA groups you are in (I delete WA group chats without even seeing them!)
Just for one minute, just for one minute I popped out of my room and saw Maa watching Anupama, where someone is telling her, I wish everyone had this blessing of memory loss.
Maa be like: I agree!
Okay, you want to forget?
As simple as this. You remember because you remember, nothing else.
I remember my first relationship – I was so sooo deep into the memories of it years after it got over, that I remembered the chats of our conversations for years. Years! And this is after I deleting all of those, with NO back-up at all.
At a certain point, I remember it happened in early 2019, I forgot everything. EVERYTHING.
As a matter of fact, very recently I was reading my book which I wrote early in 2019 and was going through a snippet of chat, and I was like, “Dude, I didn’t know I remembered all of this!”
Forgetting is not a super power. It’s a choice.
Yes, it happened.
Not on my bedsheet.
Rather on the sheet of a meditation hall of a huge retreat center.
Yes, you read that right.
I had just had my dinner, and had gone to the meditation room to let go of what was in my head.
Little did I know I would let go of much more 🙂
Since I was menstruating, I thrust my kurta behind, before sitting on the floor – that had mattress covered with white sheet.
And when I got up, I left an imprint! A huge one!!
Surprisingly the kurta was stainless because it had been thrust back, it was through the leggings that the stain had escaped
Now I had two options:
I could tell myself: “Nishtha you have been menstruating more than half of your life, and you do not know even this basic thing of taking care?”
Or, I could get up and find for a solution.
I got up, and told the girl next to me (by disturbing her meditation) of what had happened, and she helped me out.
She suggested to keep my bag on one side of the stain, and she kept sitting on the other side. Meanwhile, she asked me to bring a wet handkerchief from my room to clean it.
I ran to my room. Changed. Got a handkerchief. Made it wet. Ran again.
Did the operation. Didn’t succeed.
Then she suggested, this time I keep sitting, and she will bring a bit of soap from her room.
In all this, the coordinator who was taking care of the premises started turning off the lights, and requested me to leave. I said I’m waiting for someone, and requested for ten more minutes.
He waited. Then said he has to come back early morning. So he insisted.
Then another girl next to me told him what the real problem was.
After which he became quiet, and waited.
Then came the face wash. And my handkerchief. With few drops of water from the girl who told the coordinator to wait.
And I rubbed and I rubbed. For ten full minutes. Post which it finally became clean.
Though the mattress was wet, but it wasn’t red anymore.
Lesson learnt: Take extra care going on, however, if you screw up, figure out solutions instead of screwing yourself up further.
This morning I posted a one-liner on LinkedIn:
You don’t know how much you can learn, until you sign up to learn.
Had two really weird comments.
Comment 2 (Reply to Comment 1 by a stranger):
Thank you, to the wonderful community that stands for strangers and corrects the not-so-good others are standing for.
Thank you! 😊
This morning I had slept again after meditating.
In that sleep, I witnessed two dreams in one. The weird part is, for the first time I remember such a weird dream.
One was from the first guy I (perhaps) loved. I received WhatsApp messages from him dropping me three locations where I would have to “meet” him later during the day. Of course I ignored those messages.
Later when I reflected, it dawned to me that this was the essence of our so-called love: “Meeting” as per his convenience and then becoming absolute strangers.
Another one was from a school friend. In fact, we were never friends in school. Very late, almost 2-3 years ago we connected on Facebook and became sort-of friends. But then he vanished all of a sudden. I was never told why or how, nor was any conversation brought in. He tried bringing his “forwarded messages” into my inbox quite recently but now I was unsure.
It was just friendship from my end. And his as well. But somewhere I always felt he needed something from me. Can’t point out exactly. But there was something. In the dream as well, he took my iPhone from me for making a call and as I moved around a bit, he had already lent my phone to a careless friend of his, who was just playing around with it. It was in a moment of luck that I saw his friend and got my phone back.
That’s it! These were the two dreams. I don’t know what they mean. Except that I do. Here’s what they mean:
- I still haven’t forgiven them. As a matter of fact, I didn’t think about either of them for a long long time, yet the subconscious knows everything. Sometimes, to move on, you have the grant the apology even when no one asks for it.
- If I still believe in these “shoddy definitions of love”, how will I ever be able to witness the true love that IS me?
That was it! Weird dreams that I weirdly remembered. Perhaps so that I could finally forget them!