Why do we get sad?

The reason for getting sad is never the real reason.

The loss.
The no.
The rejection.
The lack.
The “never”.

These are not the real reasons. They are just drapes to cover up the original reasons.

The real reason is we are crying for something deeper.
We believe we don’t matter.
We think that our work doesn’t make an impact.
Or our presence doesn’t make anyone happy.
Or that everything will be happy even if we left.
Or perhaps that there will never be a tomorrow.

That is the real thing that makes us sad.

Think through it about what made you sad recently.
The reason was one of these.

However, the truth of life is this:


YOU matter.
YOU are important.
YOUR work makes a difference.

YOUR absence would make things difficult.

YOU are needed.

This holds true irrespective of what ANYONE tells you.

Pause for a moment to read this.

I want to write about pain

I want to write about pain.
I want to write about pain I felt at a recent trip.
I want to write about the pain only my Mom saw in the photos, while everyone was saying I was having fun!
I want to write about the pain of self-betrayal when you don’t stay true to yourself.
I want to write about the loneliness of being abandoned by so-called friends.
I want to write about how is it even possible for people to wear different masks – of goodness on one side and of I don’t care on the other side.
I want to write about the pain I feel when I am sidelined, because I am not cool.
I want to write about the pain when people reach out to me only because I have access to certain data and information while others don’t.
I want to write about the pain I felt when you thought that just because I am strong, you can walk over me at any time.
I want to write about the pain that how I was so blinded to the truth that lay right in front of me, just because I craved validation.
I want to write about the pain I perhaps brought to other colleagues by running after useless validation.
I want to write about the pain of how I let my “friends” come to my home and take my book, do random stuff, talk loudly, etc., while I was not even allowed a place on their bed when I went to their home. How can I do such random stuff just for validation?
I want to write about the pain of how it is eating me up because from now on, I will show the strong non-vulnerable version of me.
I want to write about the pain of how I pick “familiar” unavailable people – either as ex-es or as friends. Btw, this one is liberating, because that is how I can change my patterns.

I want to write about the pain of writing about pain, just because I did not listen to my intuition.

It turns out, the intuition is always whispering to us to change our patterns. It is up to us to be silent enough to listen, so that we don’t carried away by the noise.

More wisdom, less work

More I have stacked having lesser work that is more valuable and comes with bigger responsibilities, the more I’ve to started realise that having more times precious.

Which means:

– “urgent work” is not important

– having a schedule is the way to get important things done.

– No is the biggest superpower.

It turns out, whatever we were taught in school – staying busy, working more, and saying yes in order to be liked – lose their power as we gain more wisdom.

How past trauma affects work

Someone I know was in a bad relationship in the past.
Multiple traumatic experiences with the same guy.
He used to leave her, then come and physically and mentally exploit her, and the chain continued for several years.

Until one day she finally got the courage to get up and leave.

But you know what, this trauma continued for several years in her work as well.

She believed she was not deserving of getting her needs met at work, so she wanted to leave from work at the tiniest of discomfort.
She never went up to talk to her clients or bosses, because she was never spoken to in the most intimate relationships.
More than anything else, if anyone at work praised her work, she felt it was a lie just like the guy “loved” her and went away multiple times.

Here’s the truth: When you look at that guy, his social media profiles, his work background, he comes across as an Angel. Like no one could be as divine as him. Yet he is the cause of someone else’s deepest trauma.

Sometimes it helps to see that our desire for needs becomes someone’s long-term pain. Are we ready to bear the consequence of that karma?

To those who have failed in CA exams…

19th January 2015.
The day I became a Chartered Accountant.
I still vividly remember the day.

We had just returned to Kota (my hometown) after an overnight train trip from Mumbai, after attending a family function there for three days. So the winter was a harsh reality from the pleasant zero winter of Mumbai to being back to Kota. Because of this train journey, I had taken a shower quite late, around 10-11 am.

The moment I came out, I saw a miss call from a fellow article at the firm I did my articleship from.

Oops, my heart started pounding.

As I called him back, he picked up the call and asked: “Kya hua?”

“Result aa gaya?” was my surprised response, to which he said yes.

My mom had gone to take shower and I was virtually alone at home. So I opened up the laptop, connected it to the slow BSNL router we had and checked the result.

452 out of 800, result: PASS. (*Top 100 scorers in India then)

Wow!

The day I will never forget!

Throughout the day I did not feel cold at all despite returning from Mumbai back to shivering winters of Kota. It was in the evening that I finally realised I should be feeling cold 🙂

My mom came out of shower and started crying a lot. A lot. She basically missed my Nanaji for whom I was a source of pride and who had passed away eleven months back. The day was something me and my parents had been waiting for, for years!

But this is the success story. That I cleared CA Final (both groups together) in the first attempt that too with very good marks.

Here is the back story: I failed in IPCC twice. As on date, given the number of failures we get to face, this doesn’t seem huge.
Back then it was. Especially for a class topper like me since childhood, who ended up with this major jolt for the first time in my life.

You know what, my Mom cried then as well, for how could such a thing happen to me? (Yes now I know that I was responsible, but I just couldn’t convince her to see that part. Maybe I didn’t want to see that either!)

But I did clear the IPCC exam eventually. One group at a time.

That is the word you need to remember my fellow CA students: eventually.

The world isn’t going to be smooth even if you clear all three stages in the first attempt with AIR 1. It’s true that social media is not going to have your pictures when you fail.
It’s true that your neighbours will probably stare at you when you’ll leave home for coaching classes.
It’s perhaps true that a friend who was not expected to clear is a CA today and you aren’t!

All this is real pain.
And it hurts, especially if you worked hard.

But there is one more thing that is real: Your grit. Your persistence. Your belief in your capability that no matter what, you will end up with the prefix CA before your name eventually.

Feel sad as hard as you want to. Clean your nose with your sweater that your friend likes who is a CA now. Look at yourself in the mirror and just be, it’s okay!

But when you are done, don’t waste a minute pondering about what was and what could be. Just focus on what you are going to do next.

Winning in life is less about numbers and more about your attitude.

For example, I’m not a cunning person and because of that I sometimes get walked over (sometimes by my hashtag friends), and that feels very bad. But then I tell myself that my systems and ethics are powerful, so I needn’t be scared. NEVER ever has been a place in my life that because of not being cunning, rather being a simple human being, I hadn’t won eventually. Things always turn out to be in the favour of the person who works hard with the rights systems and the right mindsets.

And if you are worried about number of attempts, yes I did get a bonus of 1L INR extra back in 2015-16 because of being a first attempt passout. But today, 5-6 years down the line, almost everyone is earning in the same income range. Time is a great leveller and a wonderful thing to forget.

So keep up your spirits high my fellow CA students, it is only a matter of time that you will become a member of the reputed ICAI. Till then, focus on building systems and attitudes that eventually and undoubtedly lead to success, instead of letting things happen.

PS: In case you are wondering if I used some systems while preparing for CA Final exams after failing in IPCC twice, of course I did! I won’t blabber them here because the purpose of this blog is not to show you how, the purpose is to show you what. If you need help with systems and processes while preparing for CA exams, drop me a note at ngehija454@gmail.com and I’d be happy to help you out.

PPS: It will happen, eventually!

Ooo, that was rude!

Someone said something mean to you. Someone dear to you.

A friend asked you to work for free for them, something for which you charge in six figures.

You did your 150% in a job and still your manager found flaws in your work.

All these things seem mean. And they are, undoubtedly.
The one on the other side has taken an extreme position without thinking of what you are going through or what efforts you would have put in.

They shouldn’t have done this. I understand.

However, the reality of life is that people will continue doing things or saying things that are mean or not tilted in our favour. That has been happening since eternity and will continue happening.

Will you allow yourself to be hurt every single time?
Will you allow them to take your mental space every single time?
Will you never show compassion towards yourself like you show towards others?

My friend, you are so powerful that you can bless even those who not only say mean things, rather are conspiring against you. Just don’t allow that trash to be accumulated in your mind and see the difference!

It will take hard work. It will require patience. It will ask you to be the best of yourself.
But being the worst version of yourself by getting affected wasn’t the best way to live your life either! Isn’t it?

Apple is a statement

I was once in a conversation where an app developer for an android phone was listening to customer concerns. The app was a skill-development learning app.

One of the customers asked for the app being released in Apple App store, as they had an iPhone, while the app was available only on the Google Play Store.

The app developer remarked, “You own the iPhone man, you don’t need this skill development app.”

This statement made me think.
The app developer was right.

Not because I’m an iPhone user for almost six years now.
Not because I have something against the Android users.

Rather because Apple is indeed a statement.

It is not just a brand, it is a brand for those who have the money to afford it AND the personality to match to it.

It’s almost you can catch a rich non-Apple user and not-so-rich Apple user by the values they stand for. Yes there are exceptions to the rule where status game kicks in, however, most of Android users and Apple users have a lifestyle that defines their choice of brand.

For example, people with super expensive Android phones are the ones that despise iPhone the most. Whereas, iPhone users earning a mediocre income have nothing against Android users, because they know what they want is what their phone has.

Why are we talking about it right now?
Well, you know if you know!

If no one told this to you, here it is…

1. You are doing your best. Stop beating yourself up.

2. You have a lot of power. You just need to check the leakage.

3. It takes a strong human being to always be looking for good. Be that tough human being.

4. Talk to yourself. Your need to scroll Instagram would vanish.

5. To walk your own path requires courage. It isn’t disrespectful of anyone, as long as you are not disrespecting them.

6. To stay silent in a throng of un-wise words is a measure of immense inner power.

7. To speak your truth even when your voice shakes is being powerful (again).

8. Standing for yourself isn’t selfish.

9. Being there to understand is a mark of an understanding human being.

10. It is very very easy to get caught up in the celebrity and blitz of the world, share the photographs of “your perfect world” and the new things you bought. If you do not use social media to generate this triviality in others nor to consume it yourself, you’re already ahead of the majority of the world.

Small reminders. Small life. Make your time worth it! 😇

This is a sad post

Sometimes I wish I was rich and famous.

Haha, isn’t that an ironical statement looking at my other posts?
Of course, it is.

However, here’s why I wish so:

Today I had a rift with a very good friend. She’s been super-supportive through some good valleys of life. However, each week we work on a project where I am supposed to proofread a document and she is supposed to ship it. There are other and bigger projects as well that we both work on. (This was a humble rant to show this is not only what we do :D)

So occasionally when we are not able to deliver on our project, either of us texts the other person to follow up. Last week, she did not text me, and as I realised I had to do the work, she had already shipped by then. This week, I followed up with her, however, she did not want to give me the access of the original doc (I know this because I specifically asked for credentials which the boss wanted her to share with me) so she sent me an email.

After doing the edits, I sent her the email. She responded with requiring me to highlight the changes. I said editing the core doc takes lesser time, and I do respect that you do not want to share your credentials, however, it will take more time for me to highlight that. She came back with doing it herself, along with two more solutions that were invalid according to me, however, after this I said I would have loved to do it for you had you told me straight away instead of doing things to make me do more efforts, and also apologised if anything hurt her.

No response from her.

Honestly, it felt bad.

Not because she did not “respect” me by responding. Rather because I thought we were friends and I deserved a communication and clarity from a friend.

It also felt sad because she works at one of THE top companies of the world and I have left my job to pursue writing full time (PS: I do make money that is more than my job as CA however that’s for another day) however I do not have that title with me. Maybe this was not her intention. The world, though, by default respects the ones with titles and the ones who flaunt of having more money.

I felt sad. Cried over this small thing that perhaps even doesn’t matter. Felt sad because I couldn’t create a good relationship with someone whom I thought was a friend. Sad because aren’t we supposed to be honest with our friends? Sad because I did not wake up in the morning to “grab hold” of her credentials, rather was genuinely performing my duty. Sad because maybe because of this we may never be vulnerable with each other again, however I do love her as a friend and do not want to let her go.

But, out of pure love for a human being, I wish we both brought more love onto the table.

Yet, it is the role of good friends to respect and accept each other as they are. So here we go, I’ll work on not questioning this part of her (she definitely must have had a reason) and rather be kinder towards her.

But it felt bad.

Perhaps this won’t matter a month or even a week later. Perhaps none of us is wrong. Perhaps both of us are. Perhaps she doesn’t even remember this. Perhaps she will do something good to me tomorrow out of pure intentions and we will forget about this.

However, after a leap of today’s sadness, will come multiple new lessons and thousand new ways to love those who already offer themselves to you.

True love, is loving your friends without waiting for them to love you back. Don’t hold grudges however keep a mental note to not to offer them your vulnerability again.

A note on trust

Trust yourself, as much as you trust others.

Trust yourself more often.

Trust others more often.

Trust the pain, because it solely is responsible for making you enjoy the joy of life.

Trust your hard work, it never goes to vain.

Trust your parents, even when you don’t want to.

Trust your friends, they are there for you – anytime and any place.

Trust your work, coz it will go out into the world and do more good.

More than anything else, trust yourself. You have handled worse in the past. This too, shall pass.