How past trauma affects work

Someone I know was in a bad relationship in the past.
Multiple traumatic experiences with the same guy.
He used to leave her, then come and physically and mentally exploit her, and the chain continued for several years.

Until one day she finally got the courage to get up and leave.

But you know what, this trauma continued for several years in her work as well.

She believed she was not deserving of getting her needs met at work, so she wanted to leave from work at the tiniest of discomfort.
She never went up to talk to her clients or bosses, because she was never spoken to in the most intimate relationships.
More than anything else, if anyone at work praised her work, she felt it was a lie just like the guy “loved” her and went away multiple times.

Here’s the truth: When you look at that guy, his social media profiles, his work background, he comes across as an Angel. Like no one could be as divine as him. Yet he is the cause of someone else’s deepest trauma.

Sometimes it helps to see that our desire for needs becomes someone’s long-term pain. Are we ready to bear the consequence of that karma?

Strange things about me

Today I’ll share some strange things about me. Which are 100% true.

  1. I’ve NEVER had a WiFi at my place. Because I don’t watch any show. So why do you need to screw yourself all the time with the Internet?
  2. That said, never watched any IPL match ever. Ever.
  3. I don’t order out. The last time I had Zomato on my phone was in (the first week of) March 2020 when I was travelling for a work assignment.
  4. Exited family groups. Yes, I’m allergic to negativity.
  5. I miss out 99% of family gatherings :)))

With that, there’s a strange twitter thread I wrote about how I work only for two hours per day. There you go! Enjoy 🙂

Best friends

There are good friends. We all have them.
Those who understand us, are there for us, but show their true colours some time or the other.

Then there are best friends.
You don’t talk to them often. Hardly chat on the phone.
But they are true to you – with you or without you.

Having such friends is priceless. And if you don’t have one, are you that “one” friend for yourself?

Dear Maa Papa

Dear Maa Papa,

I understand I sometimes come across as a weird human being. Someone who does not think like you, lives like you or even loves like you.

But you know what, nevertheless, I do love you.

Because that is what you both have taught me 🙂

Maa Papa, sometimes there are disagreements between us. And that sometimes turns to always.
You want me to be successful. But want that to happen under your eyes.
How will I ever learn to walk if you never allow me to get off your lap?
How will I ever learn to face the world if you keep telling me to run away from the world?
How will I ever create my own identity if according to you my identity could be best created at home while Papa may still go to the shop daily and do his Internet-based business and save thousands on rent and administration expenses?

Maybe you think my need for wings is too much. But you know what, it is just a basic necessity. Because when you attempt to chip off my wings, you don’t draw me closer to you . You rather push me further away.

When you both talk with each other, wondering what is the best way to deal with me, let me help you out:

  • Accept me for who I am.
  • I won’t betray your trust ever. Yes, I have been in two bad relationships, but as I reflect, I was just searching for love outside because I didn’t get acceptance inside.
  • I really do not need the comforts of home. I want to figure out life, and come back to you when I am in pain. Right now, whenever I am in pain, I go to deepest of silences and figure out things eventually. You may believe I am angry, but in reality, I am just coping up with your absence despite your presence.
  • Trust me, when you say that it’s okay if I don’t make much money – I do not want to live on your money. I want to pay my rent, all my bills and learn how life functions. If comfort was all that is, why don’t we bring in all sisters and brothers in law to live with us? Because they are “settled”? Is settling down mean having your name on a marriage certificate? How about thinking of bringing back an “already settled” daughter because she is not married?

Like you say, it is difficult to talk to me. That is the reason Maa Papa, I have stopped expressing myself altogether.

Maybe this makes you believe that I hate you. However, the reality is that I ache so much for your love and acceptance that I have drawn myself inwards. That’s it! How will I not love you? I do! I love you both so dearly that I do not want to bring any proofs to express it.

But as I know I am capable of taking care of myself physically, I do expect you to accept me that way. That would make me want to come home more often. Right now, even when I want to, I just don’t – because you would feel I am not brave. I am brave, however, I miss home even at home.

Hope to be home some day 🙂

PS: I love you to infinity, Maa Papa :)))

A weird dream I remember

This morning I had slept again after meditating.

In that sleep, I witnessed two dreams in one. The weird part is, for the first time I remember such a weird dream.

One was from the first guy I (perhaps) loved. I received WhatsApp messages from him dropping me three locations where I would have to “meet” him later during the day. Of course I ignored those messages.

Later when I reflected, it dawned to me that this was the essence of our so-called love: “Meeting” as per his convenience and then becoming absolute strangers.

Another one was from a school friend. In fact, we were never friends in school. Very late, almost 2-3 years ago we connected on Facebook and became sort-of friends. But then he vanished all of a sudden. I was never told why or how, nor was any conversation brought in. He tried bringing his “forwarded messages” into my inbox quite recently but now I was unsure.

It was just friendship from my end. And his as well. But somewhere I always felt he needed something from me. Can’t point out exactly. But there was something. In the dream as well, he took my iPhone from me for making a call and as I moved around a bit, he had already lent my phone to a careless friend of his, who was just playing around with it. It was in a moment of luck that I saw his friend and got my phone back.

That’s it! These were the two dreams. I don’t know what they mean. Except that I do. Here’s what they mean:

  1. I still haven’t forgiven them. As a matter of fact, I didn’t think about either of them for a long long time, yet the subconscious knows everything. Sometimes, to move on, you have the grant the apology even when no one asks for it.
  2. If I still believe in these “shoddy definitions of love”, how will I ever be able to witness the true love that IS me?

That was it! Weird dreams that I weirdly remembered. Perhaps so that I could finally forget them!

I want watermelon

This afternoon, my sister was sitting sad and lost.
When I asked her multiple times, she still didn’t respond.

My 3 yo nephew or her son, who was in her lap, I turned to him.

Told him, “Tell you Mom to smile.”

Do you know what he responded?

“I want watermelon!”

Wow. So cute. That is the level I want to get to in my life.

Here’s something I learnt from him:

  1. My sis told me that he was already nudging her to stop being so sad. He always says, “First, you smile.
  2. He was not attached to his Mom’s emotions. He loves her, wanted her to smile. But didn’t get upset when she did.
  3. He knew what he wanted 🙂
  4. Didn’t get unhappy when he didn’t get the watermelon.
  5. His love is not conditional when his Mom is smiling only. Love IS he.

So, my question to you is: Do you want watermelon?

The manufactured definition of love

Love. Such a beautiful word.
We are born with it. We are not taught how to love. It is our real nature. We come along with it.

We smile at our family and strangers alike.
We talk to anyone and everyone irrespective of their colour or race.
We trust people for who they are.
We forgive quickly.
We are just real, with no judgements, no gossip, and definitely no need to control anyone.

This is who we are when we were born – real and untainted.

Then a terrible thing happened.
We realised the world does not function this way. The world is sadly living in a manufactured definition of love. 

Where we will be loved when we recite a poetry in front of our relatives.
Where we will be loved when we get certain percentage in schools and colleges.
Where we will be loved when we pursue a life choice that isn’t ours but of people who “love” us.
Where we will be loved when we agree to making “love” with a partner otherwise they will question our character.
Where we will be loved by our “friends” if and only if we gossip with them about other friends.

And if we do none of these and walk our own talk, we will not be loved.

Be like him.
Talk like her.
Look at what he has accomplished.

Words and people that were meant to make us rise, end up diminishing our self confidence infinitely. 

And then we wonder why don’t we feel the love we used to feel as a kid.

At this point, each one of us has two choices:

  1.  Fall for this manufactured definition of love, follow the norms others have laid down for you, and be someone who again gives manufactured love. But wait, you will have everyone there with you, to “love” you. Other than you.
  2. Be who you are, being respectful of others yet doing what you feel is right. Own your life, and take the steps that you want to take. It will be easier. But guess what? You will almost always be alone on this journey.

Most of us fall for the first one. Not because we cannot hear our inner voice. But because the external voices of manufactured love will stop coming to us if we love ourselves. And that’s scary.

Very few of us, very very few of us, who take the plunge to love ourselves, live a life of real luxury. There are roadblocks and hurdles at the start, but when you overcome them (and you always do), what comes out is You. Real You. Who is love. Not manufactured. Rather real love. And then solving all problems becomes a skill that gets compounded and works in your favour 🙂

Every single day, we have two choices – be the Real Love or fall for Manufactured Love. It is not a one-time choice. It is a daily choice.

The choices that we make daily, will determine how much real love we become.
And give to the people looking at us to show them how the world works.

Stories on the street

Each morning as I walk or drive for around ten minutes to go to my meditation class, there are countless stories to witness on the street.

Here’s the two I witnessed today:

  1. A man was standing with his cart containing buckets of pickles. That is what he would be selling whole day, to make a living. Here he was, standing in a corner, serving pickle in a small bag. He then called out to the trash collector to come, so he could have his breakfast.
    Such beautiful thing. Most of us don’t do philanthropy because we feel we ourselves don’t have enough. But it is only in giving, that we receive the most. You do not have to empty your bank accounts. A small act of care each day, is more than enough. If someone who makes his living selling pickles can do it, what excuse do you and I have?
  2. Another woman was brooming the road, with the broom taylor made for thick surfaces. It is unlike the one that we use in our homes. It’s streaks are thicker, which makes it easier to remove dust from there.
    As this woman was brooming the road, I noticed a strange thing: that I could not observe dust on the road. Yet, as she broomed, the dust became prominent in every movement.
    That was a beautiful lesson: around how the deepest things are not visible. It is only through tough scratching that they surface. So are the things in our lives. Our deepest pains are buried behind us cracking jokes, being on time, being addicted to work, etc. Only when a deeper pain comes that it brings all that is within – to the forefront.
    A wonderful reminder of how we pain brings the best in us.

That said, there is a third story as well – story of you and I – walking on the roads, streets, malls, etc.
We get the stories that we see. And we become them.

The question is: What do we see?

Pre-weekend lessons of life

  1. Everyone is right. Even if we think otherwise.
  2. So are you. Even if you think otherwise.
  3. In case of an emotional outburst, spend time with a good book.
  4. You become whom you spend time with on Instagram. Choose that wisely 🙂
  5. The world is feeding you a template each day. What you do in your capacity to be a rebel defines who you are.